Late Evening Snark: The Nice Gaspy Version

“It’s genuinely onerous to recall a second in American life that felt extra unhinged than the grotesque spectacle all of us witnessed final evening: an infectious president on highly effective steroids and experimental medicine, strolling round with a probably lethal virus, making an enormous present of leaving the hospital, flying again to the White Home at sundown simply earlier than Joe Biden’s city corridor, taking his masks off in entrance of the cameras, and visibly gasping for air like he’s been guarding LeBron James all evening.”
—Seth Meyers

“Good luck getting paid, Walter Reed.”
—Conan O’Brien


“In line with one adviser, the president is ‘chomping on the bit’ to hit the highway once more. And chomping on the bit is just not a determine of speech. Dr. Conley has put him on a course of horse amphetamines.”
—Stephen Colbert

“Yesterday Trump tweeted that he needed to attend till after the election to signal a second spherical of Covid stimulus aid. However then a number of hours later he tweeted at Nancy Pelosi: ‘I am able to signal proper now. Are you listening, Nancy?’ Pelosi was like, ‘Hold on, I am nonetheless going by all these clean papers you signed over the weekend.'”
—Jimmy Fallon

“Oompa Loompa doompety doo. I am gonna move on Covid to you…”
—The Late Late Present

“Individuals are working away from Trump sooner than Devil working away from holy water. … Will the final suburban girl to go away the Republican occasion please prove the lights?”
—James Carville on All In

“Security was a priority main as much as tonight’s [VP] debate. Group Pence needed no additional safety. They initially mentioned no to a divider manufactured from plexiglass between them; Kamala needed it, Pence’s crew didn’t. Mike Pence believes if you are going to separate a person and a lady, it must be from their kids on the border.”
—Jimmy Kimmel

“Mike Pence believes life begins at conception and ends when he was put accountable for the coronavirus job drive.”
—Samantha Bee, watching the VP debate

“The. Head. Of. The. Coronavirus. Job. Pressure. Is. Debating. Half. A. Yr. Later. Via. Two. Layers. Of. Plexiglass!”
—Jordan Klepper, The Every day Present

“A seven-year-old boy in Pennsylvania set a brand new world file by bouncing on a pogo stick over 2,000 instances in a row. Mentioned the boy’s mother and father: Open the faculties!
—Colin Jost, SNL

And now, our function presentation…

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 9, 2020

Notice: The six-week C&J superior hydraulics in modern-day earth transferring tools seminar collection through Zoom has been cancelled on account of it seems I do not know something about superior hydraulics. Or earth-moving tools. Or learn how to do a seminar. Or what a Zoom is. Sorry about that. However thanks for all of your entry charges.  —Mgt.

By the Numbers:

Voting ends in 25 days!!!

Days ’til voting ends within the 2020 election: 25

Biden-Trump matchup numbers nationally, based on the brand new Fox Information ballot, a 10-point unfold vs. a 6-point unfold final month: 53%-43%

P.c of doubtless voters polled by Fox Information who consider the federal authorities’s precedence must be limiting the unfold of Covid or restarting the financial system, respectively: 59%, 32%

Florida doubtless voters polled by Quinnipiac who consider Roe v. Wade ought to stay the legislation of the land: 68%

Rank of Olivia and Liam amongst prime lady and boy child names in 2019, based on the Census Bureau: #1

Variety of seconds it takes along with your eyes off the highway to double your threat of a crash, based on AAA: 2

P.c probability that the mask-wearing emoji’s face will likely be modified from a frown to a smile: 100%

Pet Pic of the Day: C&J’s rescue lab-mix Haley poses for her fall portrait: “Dog—With Stick.”

JEERS to fleeing the sector of battle like a lily-livered coward. The talk fee introduced yesterday that debate #2 (subsequent Thursday in Miami) between Donald Trump and Joe Biden could be a “digital” city corridor occasion on account of the president is infectiously diseased and might simply unfold his infectious illness to others. Seizing on the chance to make use of the choice as an excuse to bow out on account of the truth that he is on medicine so highly effective they might render him unable to speak about something however his favourite exhibits he is watched lately on The Gorilla Channel, Trump immediately labeled the debate a “waste” and called it quits. So now it’s “formally” canceled, however I say Biden ought to nonetheless be given the stage all to himself for a digital city corridor, and he apparently agrees:

“Vice President Biden appears ahead to talking on to the American individuals and evaluating his plan for bringing the nation collectively and constructing again higher with Donald Trump’s failed management on the coronavirus that has thrown the sturdy financial system he inherited into the worst downturn because the Nice Despair,” deputy marketing campaign supervisor Kate Bedingfield mentioned.

Happiest with the choice, having endured final week’s debate with Trump and this week’s with Pence: America’s aching “mute” buttons.

P.S. From the wayback machine…

“I am Invoice Shadel ABC Information…The two candidates is not going to be sharing identical platform. In NY John F Kennedy. Separated by 3,000 miles in L.A. studio, Richard Nixon. Joined for dialogue by community of digital services which allows every candidate to see & hear the opposite” 10/13/1960

— Howard Mortman (@HowardMortman) October 8, 2020

Did I point out that Donald Trump is a lily-livered coward?

CHEERS to this 12 months’s designated #1 peacemaker. The Nobel Committee’s most prestigious award was handed out in the present day, and…and…and…[the suspense is killing you, isn’t it?]…it’s not Donald Trump.  Aww, too dangerous:

The necessity for worldwide solidarity and multilateral cooperation is extra conspicuous than ever. The Norwegian Nobel Committee has determined to award the Nobel Peace Prize for 2020 to the World Meals Programme (WFP) for its efforts to fight starvation, for its contribution to bettering situations for peace in conflict-affected areas and for appearing as a driving drive in efforts to forestall using starvation as a weapon of conflict and battle.

The World Meals Programme is the world’s largest humanitarian organisation addressing starvation and selling meals safety. In 2019, the WFP offered help to shut to 100 million individuals in 88 international locations who’re victims of acute meals insecurity and starvation. In 2015, eradicating starvation was adopted as one of many UN’s Sustainable Improvement Objectives. The WFP is the UN’s major instrument for realizing this purpose. Lately, the scenario has taken a unfavorable flip. In 2019, 135 million individuals suffered from acute starvation, the very best quantity in a few years. Many of the improve was attributable to conflict and armed battle.

Among the many much-bandied-about nominees (318 complete this 12 months) who didn’t make the minimize this 12 months: New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern; Greta Thunberg; Russian opposition chief Alexei Navalny and in addition me, for forging an enduring peace between the warring factions of squirrels of their territorial boundary dispute between Japanese Porch Roof and Western Porch Roof. (And we’ve the scars to show it.)

CHEERS to landmark landmarks. 132 years in the past in the present day, on October 9, 1888, the general public was first allowed contained in the Washington Monument:

On the time of its completion, it was the tallest constructing [at 555 feet, 5 inches] on this planet, and it stays the tallest stone construction on this planet. It’s the tallest constructing in Washington, D.C.

Obama’s (prime) and Trump’s inaugurations as seen from the Washington Monument. Tee hee.

This monument is vastly taller than the obelisks across the capitals of Europe and in Egypt and Ethiopia, however unusual vintage obelisks have been quarried as a monolithic block of stone, and have been due to this fact seldom taller than roughly 100 toes.

Guests to the monument that day have been thrilled on the sight.  Sadly, their enthusiasm rapidly turned to disappointment after they realized there was no launch button.


Joyful 😄

— CCTV_IDIOTS (@cctv_idiots) October 9, 2020


JEERS to everybody concerned in in the present day’s version of You are All Going To Hell However First You Ought to Go To Jail.  Via HuffPost:

Jeff Periods, Rod Rosenstein and different former prime Justice Division officers have been instrumental within the notorious Trump administration apply of separating younger undocumented immigrant kids from their mother and father on the U.S.-Mexico border, an inspector common’s draft report concludes.

“We have to take away kids,” Periods reportedly informed a bunch of federal prosecutors throughout a Could 2018 convention name shortly after the coverage was introduced, the Occasions reported. The prosecutors needed the separation coverage to exclude very younger kids [but] Rosenstein reportedly chided them.

This has been in the present day’s version of You are All Going To Hell However First You Ought to Go To Jail.

JEERS to the unique nattering nabob of negativism. On October 10, 1973, Vice President Spiro Agnew resigned in shame.  His exit was in stark distinction to the first veep to go away whereas in workplace: 

John C. Calhoun, the Seventh Vice President of the United States, did so towards the top of his second time period, after the election of 1832, when his successor—Martin Van Buren—had already been chosen. Calhoun…give up the vice presidency after the South Carolina legislature voted to ship him to the US Senate.

Peas in a pod (filled with corruption).

Agnew, in contrast, give up the vice presidency after pleading no contest to a tax evasion cost. It turned out he’d been taking bribes because the early days of his profession in Maryland, and continued to take action after changing into vice chairman.

Poor man was forward of his time. Forty-seven years later tax evasion is the largest plank within the Republican occasion platform.

CHEERS to house vegetation. Listed below are a number of tidbits on the TV schedule for the weekend. As at all times, Chris Hayes, Rachel Maddow, and Lawrence O’Donnell decide up the Friday information dump items and put ’em again collectively. On HBO’s Actual Time, Invoice Maher talks with Home Intelligence Committee chairman Adam Schiff, former CIA director John Brennan, Keli Goff from The Every day Beast, and a few numbskull from the New York Occasions opinion web page. Then at 11 on BBC America, the company on the season premiere of The Graham Norton Present embody Dolly Parton, Riz Ahmed, and Rupert Everett.

Rep. Adam Schiff, who will go down in historical past as one of many heroes of the 2017-2020 resistance, talks with Invoice Maher tonight on “Actual Time.”

The preferred house movies, new and outdated, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NFL schedule is here, the NBA finals schedule is here, whereas glorious baseball lineup for homeland and superior American pastime havings is here. Oh, and in the event you’re up for slightly 10-pin motion, there’s skilled bowling tomorrow evening on Fox, which I will be watching simply to see how they defend in opposition to Covid in a friggin’ bowling alley. Humorist Invoice Burr hosts SNL.

Sunday on 60 Minutes: a profile of The Lincoln Mission, and bears and people coexist in Montana. Every member of the family takes on the persona of a well-known artist on The Simpsons, and Peter injures himself and a—what?!!—household of squirrels in a chainsaw accident on Household Man. After that you simply’re by yourself, as John Oliver is taking the weekend off.

Now here is your Sunday morning lineup:

Meet the Press: Sens. Dick Durbin (D-IL) and Ted Cruz (R-Trump Cult); Invoice Gates.

This Week: having come to the conclusion that their scores are simply too excessive, the chief producers at this program have determined to ebook Eric Trump.

Additionally: the ghost of Lincoln exhibits as much as formally announce he’s switching to the Democratic occasion as a result of “Them Repubs is cray-cray.”

Face the Nation: Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer; Covid-positive RNC chair Mitt Romney’s niece; Regeneron president Leonard Schleifer; Minneapolis Federal Reserve president Neel Kashkari; new CBS battleground ballot numbers.

CNN’s State of the Union: Sen. Mazie Hirono (D-HI); Biden’s deputy marketing campaign supervisor Kate Bedingfield; Larry Kudlow, the babbling Trump White Home cultist who babbled again in February concerning the coronavirus: “Now we have contained this. I received’t say hermetic, but it surely’s fairly near hermetic.”

Fox GOP Speaking Factors Sunday: Sens. Chris Coons (D0DE) and Ben Sasse (R-Trump Cult).

Blissful viewing!

Ten years in the past in C&J: October 9, 2010

CHEERS to Chile!  Champagne corks popped Saturday when the information broke that rescue staff had completed boring their tunnel to allow them to carry out, one by one, 33 coal miners trapped half a mile down.  When requested how they have been in a position to bore it so rapidly, the pinnacle of the rescue operation mentioned, “We introduced Mitt Romney down to speak to it.”

And only one extra…

CHEERS to fabulous first women. Sunday is Eleanor Roosevelt’s 136th birthday. Like Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama, she did not confine herself to selecting out White Home china patterns, particularly when it came to women’s rights:

She held the primary women-only press convention on the White Home in 1933.

Discuss an influence couple.

Her 6-day per week syndicated column, My Day, inspired girls to “change into extra aware of themselves as girls and of their means to operate as a bunch. On the identical time they have to attempt to wipe from males’s consciousness the necessity to take into account them as a bunch or as girls of their on a regular basis actions, particularly as staff in business or the professions.” And in 1939, when black singer Marian Anderson was denied the best to carry out at Structure Corridor by the Daughters of the Revolution, Eleanor resigned from the group and helped arrange a concert at the Lincoln Memorial

And this from a dialogue of the 1946 proposed Assertion of Goal of the U.N. Subcommittee on the Standing of Ladies:

Whereas freedom and equality are important to human growth and whereas girl is as a lot a human being as man and due to this fact entitled to share with him;

Proofing the Common Declaration of Human Rights.

We consider that the well-being and progress of society rely upon the extent to which each women and men are in a position to develop their full persona and are cognizant of their duties to themselves and to others, and we consider that girl has thus a particular function to play within the constructing of a advantageous, wholesome, affluent and ethical society and that she will fulfill this obligation solely as a free and accountable member.

Due to this fact, be it resolved that the aim of the subcommission is to boost the standing of girls to equality with males in all fields of human endeavor.

In the long run, Roosevelt—whose picture will grace the revamped $5 bill just about the second mega-misogynist Trump and his Treasury stooge Steve Mnuchin go away workplace—marveled that “I grew to become extra of a feminist than I ever imagined.” The world is a greater place for it. Pay your respects here. In her honor, tonight the whole lot within the C&J cafeteria is slathered in Good Luck Margarine. It is what I’ve unfold on my sweet corn; I totally take pleasure in it.

Have an excellent weekend. Ground’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about in the present day?