Late Night time Snark: Farewell, RBG Version

“This week we, like everybody, are mourning the lack of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Ginsburg fought tirelessly for girls’s equality and civil rights all through her profession, together with greater than 27 years on the Supreme Courtroom. Look, I do know this feels horrible, however I’ll strive my finest and honor RBG with the phrases my Meemaw as soon as stated to me: Don’t cry as a result of it is over, smile since you’re sufficiently old to purchase booze.”
—Samantha Bee

“I can’t imagine Donald J. Trump will get to call three Justices to the Supreme Courtroom. The man can’t even identify three branches of presidency.”
—Trevor Noah

Continued…

— — — 

“Fifty-one out of 53 Republicans are actually on board, whereas the opposite two stick out like masks at a MAGA rally. I nonetheless cannot imagine we’re letting Trump make that selection. He is horrible at hiring individuals. Everybody he is ever employed is both fired, in jail, or in Steve Bannon’s case, virtually each.”
—Jimmy Fallon

Newest cowl of The New Yorker.

“There’s growing concern that even when he loses, Trump will refuse to depart the White Home. However this is the factor. It is easy—if the American individuals need to assure that Donald Trump will go away us, there’s an easy factor we are able to do: marry him.”
—Jimmy Kimmel

“Scientists say that fairly quickly robots will likely be smarter than us. The truth is, they’ve began constructing a robotic that wears a masks.”
—Conan O’Brien

“Un-thank you to the virus for holding us all aside this yr. Un-thank you to Trump for his crummy and uncoordinated response. Un-thank you to Boris Johnson and his authorities for doing the identical in my nation. Un-thank you to all of the nationalist and quasi-nationalist governments on the earth which are precisely the other of what we’d like proper now. And un-thank you to the media moguls who accomplish that a lot to maintain them in energy. So, un-thank you.”
Succession creator Jesse Armstrong, throughout his Emmy acceptance speech

“NASA has simply revealed a plan to place the primary lady on the moon. As a part of the plan—that is true—NASA says that the girl will likely be accompanied by a person, in order that there’s somebody to repeat all of her concepts in a louder voice.”
—James Corden

“In response to a brand new research, Hawaii is the happiest state. That story once more: Hawaii is the state furthest away from the remainder of America.”
—Seth Meyers

And now, our characteristic presentation…

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 25, 2020

Word: Right this moment is National Lobster Day. To make it particularly memorable, breed them in your basement with radioactive isotopes till 40 toes tall after which unleash them on an unsuspecting populace.  Add a humorous hat or water-squirting boutonnière if desired. Get inventive!

By the Numbers:

Voting ends in 39 days!!!

Days ’til voting within the 2020 election ends: 39

Variety of expenses in opposition to the Louisville cops for murdering Breonna Taylor in her mattress: 0

% of the U.S. inhabitants that “stays vulnerable” to the coronavirus, in line with the large throbbing head in a glass jar on the CDC: 90%

Biden’s lead over Trump in Ohio, in line with the newest Fox Information ballot: 5 factors

Biden’s lead over Trump in Pennsylvania, in line with the identical ballot: 7 factors

% probability {that a} new Monmouth ballot exhibits Biden and Trump tied in Georgia: 100%

Minimal variety of People who say they used marijuana up to now yr: 37 million

Pet Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…

CHEERS to jeers.  The president of america, who stands in opposition to every little thing—intelligence, decency, equality, the rule of regulation, health of thoughts and physique, marital constancy, studying—that Ruth Bader Ginsburg stood for, had a limo haul his bloated, Adderall-engorged carcass to the Supreme Courtroom the place he stood on the justice’s coffin (masked by Melania so he wouldn’t begin ranting concerning the deep state and the way antifa gangs from anarchy jurisdictions are throwing cans of Bumble Bee Tuna on the suburbs) and pretend-paid his respects as his thoughts wandered off to ideas of this weekend’s golf outings. The gang beneath, principally ladies, wasn’t having it, they usually gave him the reception he deserved:

Trump on the court docket as crowd chants “vote him out” — it’s uncommon for this President to see his opposition this up-close and in-person pic.twitter.com/VEVkRHOkjM

— Kevin Liptak (@Kevinliptakcnn) September 24, 2020

 Someplace within the hereafter, RBG set free an approving “Heh” after which went again to profitable two-out-of-three in her bench-press competitors with God.

JEERS to documenting the atrocities. Your complete nation choked on their hydroxychloroquine capsules this week when the sitting president of america—I overlook his identify—determined to foreshadow a mad grab for unlimited power as a way to preserve his ass out of jail after January twentieth, 2021:

President Donald Trump was requested Wednesday whether or not he would decide to a peaceable switch of energy ought to he lose this fall to Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden. The president declined to take action.

“Oh, he’ll go away all proper. Kamala will see to that.”
—Joe

“Properly, we will need to see what occurs,” Trump stated. “You recognize that I have been complaining very strongly concerning the ballots, and the ballots are a catastrophe.”

Pressed additional, Trump stated: “We’ll need to have—do away with the ballots and you will have a really—we’ll have a really peaceable—there will not be a switch, frankly. There will be a continuation.”

Please don’t hate me, however I agree utterly with President Superspreader. I, too, don’t want to have a peaceable switch of energy, and this is why: As Joe Biden is taking the oath, I need to see—as will 75 % of all People—the Secret Service seize Trump by the scruff of the neck and his belt loop, heave him right into a trash can, roll him by the streets of D.C. to Mount Vernon, then down the banks of George Washington’s property and into the Potomac, and watch him float away into the ocean and right down to Mar-A-Lago to await his legal trials. However aside from that? Sure, let’s preserve it civil, individuals.

CHEERS to Nice Moments in Democracy.  On September 25, 1789, the First Federal Congress adopted twelve amendments to the Constitution and FedEx’d them to all 50 states for ratification. Ten of these amendments turned the Invoice of Rights. Had this similar occasion occurred in 2020, the Senate Republicans would’ve re-written them to please ALEC, Grover Norquist, the NRA, Franklin Graham, and the remaining Koch brother, then rammed them by with none committee hearings or ground debate. However my level is: Ha Ha! They wore humorous grampa socks again then!

BRIEF SANITY BREAK

Sea doggo slapping her stomach together with her keeper pic.twitter.com/6CsbZJgyVk

— Again To Nature (@backt0nature) September 23, 2020

END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

CHEERS to pulling America out of the ditch. The 2 largest problems with the 2020 election are—for those who don’t embrace saving our democracy itself from the dangerous individuals—the coronavirus pandemic/well being care and the financial system. Solely the red-hatted cultists who imagine masks are sewn by Devil himself suppose Trump is extra succesful than Biden in coping with the previous. As for the latter, journalism superhero Kevin Drum at Mom Jones has seen the newest evaluation by Moody’s, and Republicans, as usual, got nothin’ on Team D:

In each attainable class, a Democratic sweep is healthier for the nation than another state of affairs. Moody’s even initiatives that Democrats can be higher for the finances deficit than Republicans. […]

Put a Republican businessman in cost, they stated. It’ll be nice, they stated. 

[I]t’s fairly simple to summarize. If Democrats win, they’ll spend cash to stimulate the financial system out of its COVID-19 funk and it will assist all people. The spending will largely be financed by taxing the wealthy, which has solely a small unfavorable impact on the financial system. But when Republicans win, they’ll preserve the purse strings closed and as a substitute pursue but extra tax cuts for the wealthy and commerce wars with China. Neither one is particularly good for the financial system. It’s so easy.

The report coincides with our facet’s new official slogan for the ultimate stretch of the marketing campaign: “Democrats—Go About Your Enterprise, People, We’ll Clear This Up. We At all times Do.”

JEERS to shut calls. Sixty-five years in the past this week, in 1955, shares dropped like a rock…the quickest price since 1929.  The numbers sound positively quaint in the present day:

The Dow Jones dropped 6.5%, 32 factors, to 455, with a complete paper lack of $14 billion, the most important ever.

Purpose: Eisenhower’s coronary heart assault.  Shares shortly recovered, although, when the nation realized he was still the president.  Or, to be completely correct, when the nation realized that Richard Nixon wasn’t.

Additionally this weekend (Sunday night time at 9 on Showtime): Jeff Daniels is James Comey whereas Brendan Gleeson chews the surroundings as Trump.

CHEERS to residence vegetation. Here is a number of the stuff which will or might not be flickering in your teevee display this weekend. Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow are required viewing, however not earlier than watching the brand new pandemic-adapted Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy! for his or her blood pressure-lowering clackity-clacks and Trebek’s dulcet tones. (For a man battling pancreatic most cancers, he nonetheless completely guidelines that set.) Rep. Val Demings discusses the Supreme Courtroom emptiness tonight on PBS’s Firing Line. On HBO’s Actual Time at 10, Invoice Maher talks with Sen. Bernie Sanders, Jim Belushi, and CNN analyst Bakari Sellers.

The most well-liked residence movies, new and outdated, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. (I’m at present binge-watching the 5 seasons of Schitt’s Creek after the comedy sequence’ sweep of the Emmys final Sunday.) The NFL schedule is here. The NBA schedule is here and the WNBA schedule is here, whereas the Stanley Cup ultimate schedule is here and the baseball lineup is here. Tomorrow night time SNL re-airs the episode that earned Eddie Murphy an Emmy final weekend.

On 60 Minutes: legendary wildlife filmmaker David Attenborough on the local weather disaster, and an replace on felon voting rights in Florida. The 325th season of The Simpsons begins Sunday with Mr. Burns going beneath cowl as “Fred” on the nuclear plant, and on the 187th season premiere of Household Man Stewie lastly says his first phrase. Then, sizzling off his Emmy win, John Oliver roars again to HBO Sunday night time at 11 with a recent episode of Final Week Tonight.

Now this is your Sunday morning lineup:

Meet the Press: Former NSA chief Lt. Basic H.R. McPufnstuf; Sens. Cory Booker (D-NJ) and Roy Blunt (R-Trump Cult); new NBC Information/Marist ballot numbers out of Michigan and Wisconsin.

Additionally Sunday morning: the ghost of LBJ provides his “Texas-hot suggestions” for managing wild pandemic hair.

This Week: Sens. Dick Durbin (D-IL) and Mike Lee (R-Trump Cult); 

Face the Nation: Former CDC director Dr. Tom Frieden.

CNN’s State of the UnionSpeaker Nancy Pelosi; our subsequent First Woman Jill Biden; Sens. Joe Manchin (D-WV) and Tom Cotton (R-Trump Cult).

Fox GOP Speaking Factors Sunday: Sens. Debbie Stabenow (D-MI) and John Kennedy (R-LA), the latter a highly-educated, highly-intelligent lawyer who will once more fake to be a rustic bumpkin confused by all these liberal metropolis folks so he received’t offend his base; Lawrence Tribe is on the pundit panel. (Word: Brit Hume will likely be visitor internet hosting as a result of Chris Wallace couldn’t presumably spend an hour asking softball questions whereas he’s concurrently getting ready to ask ridiculously easy questions off a cocktail serviette when he hosts subsequent week’s Biden-Trump debate.)

 Blissful viewing!

Ten years in the past in C&J: September 25, 2010

CHEERS to packin’ up the Union Jack. Britain’s message to Iraq and its American occupiers: “Sure, properly, it has been jolly good enjoyable I can inform you.  However, you see, the factor is…the way to put this politely…we’re form of getting sick and uninterested in coping with rebellious chaps who would somewhat reduce our balls off than sit down for a spot of tea and kippers.  Most uncivilized, after all, however there it’s.  So have enjoyable, Yanks, we’re getting the hell out of here. Ta Ta!”  Bye bye, Brits! See ya on the subsequent struggle!

And only one extra…

CHEERS to returning to that quiet little white-bread redneck mountain city. After a year-long hiatus, the youngsters from South Park are again subsequent week, they usually’re weighing in on the coronavirus pandemic with an hour-long episode Wednesday night time. You’ve got been such an excellent viewers this week, this is a preview:

Bear in mind when this present was the craziest factor on TV? Now it’s full-on second of zen. Loopy.

Have an excellent weekend. Flooring’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about in the present day?