Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Social Distancing FRIDAY!

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Late Evening Snark: Wow, What An Infrastructure Week, Eh? Version

“Yesterday Joe Biden was endorsed by Scientific American—I assume due to all of the horrible issues Trump has stated about science and America.”
—Stephen Colbert

“Throughout final night time’s ABC Information city corridor, President Trump mistakenly claimed that individuals can be shielded from the coronavirus after they develop a ‘herd mentality.’ Now, clearly, what he meant to say was: ‘I’m unhealthy at this and I resign.'”
—Seth Meyers

Continued…

“I don’t assume so. I feel what I did by closing up the nation I feel I saved two, perhaps two-and-a-half, perhaps greater than that lives.”
—Trump, requested by George Stephanopoulos if he might’ve accomplished extra to cease the coronavirus

“The president referred to as into Fox and Pals and ended up chatting with them on the air for 47 minutes. After 47 minutes of speaking on Fox Information, Trump lastly needed to get off the telephone and return to his different main duty: watching Fox Information.”
—James Corden

—The Late Present

And the winner of our That-is-SO-Joe-Biden quote of the week: “I used to get my flu shot at Walgreens.”

“Susan Collins will seemingly lose her re-election. She’s well-known for hinting that she has a conscience, then voting with the GOP anyway. It is like Lucy holding the soccer for Charlie Brown, then when he runs to kick it, Lucy places an alleged sexual predator on the Supreme Court docket.”
—Samantha Bee 

“I am listening to conflicting tales within the information, so simply to make clear: does Putin need to vote in-person or can he nonetheless use a mail-in poll?”
—Conan O’Brien

And now, our characteristic presentation…

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 18, 2020

Notice: At present is Nationwide False Accusation Day. Or not less than it was till you and your soup can-toting antifa buddies stole it.

By the Numbers:

5 days!!!

Days ’til Worldwide Day of Signal Languages: 5

% of Democrats and Republicans, respectively, polled by Pew Analysis who consider their native information shops get the details about Covid-19 proper more often than not: 61%, 31%

% of Democrats and Republicans, respectively, who consider the Trump administration will get the details about Covid-19 proper more often than not: 10%, 48%

Trump’s approval in Maine, in line with the newest Quinnipiac ballot: 38%

Lindsey Graham (R-Inc.)-Jaime Harrison (D) matchup numbers within the U.S. Senate race in South Carolina, in line with the newest Qunnipiac ballot: 48%-48%

Portion of Individuals aged 20 to 31 who violated stay-at-home orders in April to have intercourse, in line with Harper’s Index: 1/4

Time it takes for daylight to achieve the earth: 8 minutes, 20 seconds

Pet Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…

CHEERS to seven wonderful days. With simply over six weeks till election day, issues are shaping up properly for Crew Biden-Harris. This week was a good one. Off the highest of my head…

»  Prognosticators: FiveThirtyEight at the moment provides Joe 77% odds of successful. Rachel “The Election Whisperer” Bitecofer is as much as 99.5%. And even the ever-cautious Charlie Prepare dinner says Trump’s “ceiling is just too low to win,” and he simply moved Arizona into “Lean D” territory.

»  Polls: Joe’s trying good in Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Arizona. In the event that they maintain up, that is just about the sport proper there. And it’s completely attainable that Florida might cease Trump immediately at 8pm on election night time if Joe pulls it off.

»  This week Joe acquired respectable press protection of and excessive marks for delivering sturdy coverage addresses on the coronavirus, Puerto Rico, and local weather change.

A stable week for these two. Trump’s was a catastrophe.

» Republican efforts to get Inexperienced Social gathering candidates and/or—[checks notes]—Kanye West on varied state ballots to siphon votes from Democrats have failed just about in all places that issues. 

»  Trump’s city corridor assembly on ABC—aka “outdoors the bubble”—was a catastrophe, and supplied a preview of the clueless, dishonest nastiness that Joe will likely be well-prepared to rebut on the first debate in 11 days.  And final night time, Joe’s city corridor assembly on CNN impressed viewers along with his steely-eyed mixture of Scranton grit, mastery of the details, and empathy to spare.

» Trump’s marketing campaign continues to be working on fumes and pulling again on advert spending. Biden-Harris is flush with money, together with one other $100 million from Mike Bloomberg to beat Florida.

The standard caveat applies: subsequent week Trump might do a whole 180 and turn into a secure, accountable, educated, moral chief of all the folks. Proper after Mike Pence farts a unicorn.

CHEERS to a reputation that ought to echo throughout the land in honor and glory. Keep in mind the identify, my fellow villagers: Decide Stanley Bastian. Inform your kids about him. Inform your kin, neighbors and your co-workers. Unfold the phrase far and large. A technique you are able to do that is to ship out letters by way of the US Postal Service. Which Decide Stanley Bastian simply saved as he banged his gavel to splinters and…

blocked controversial Postal Service modifications which have slowed mail nationwide, calling them “a politically motivated assault on the effectivity of the Postal Service” earlier than the November election. Decide Stanley Bastian in Yakima, Washington, stated he was issuing a nationwide preliminary injunction sought by 14 states that sued the Trump administration and the U.S. Postal Service. […]

Decide Stanley Bastian

Bastian…ordered the Postal Service to cease implementing the “go away behind” coverage, to deal with all election mail as firstclass mail quite than as slower-moving classes, to reinstall any mail processing machines wanted to make sure the immediate dealing with of election mail, and to tell its staff concerning the necessities of his injunction.

The blue mailboxes return. The sorting machines return. The slowdowns cease. Mail-in ballots get re-upgraded from coach to First Class. It is a complete reset, due to Decide Stanley Bastian, Chief Motherf*cking Decide of the Motherf*cking Jap District of Motherf*cking Washington. As for the Trump-humping postmaster who tried to steal the election in trade for a bag of gold cash and a free spherical of golf at Mar-A-Lago (not together with cart price, Eric price, Don Jr. price, Ivanka price, Tiffany price, or Melania price): you’ll be able to simply bear in mind him as Louis DeSad.

CHEERS to well-known firsts. Seventy-two years in the past, on September 18, 1948, Margaret Chase Smith from the GREAT STATE OF MAINE grew to become the primary lady elected to the US Senate—with out finishing a time period began by one other senator—when she beat Democrat Adrian Scolten. Her marketing campaign slogan makes me marvel if it wasn’t the inspiration for Eisenhower’s “I Like Ike” 4 years later: “My Sentiments Are With Margaret Chase Smith.”

It additionally made her the primary lady to be each a U.S. consultant and senator, and in 1964 she grew to become the primary lady to have her identify positioned in nomination for president.  She got here in second. Or because the menfolk within the fashionable GOP prefer to say: “Correctly.”

P.S. Maine’s present senator with ladyparts, Susan Collins, is now trailing Democratic challenger Sara Gideon within the newest Quinnipac ballot by 12 factors. We hear Collins is so involved that she’s truly involved.

BRIEF SANITY BREAK

pic.twitter.com/ao1ki2LyN8

— Banana for scale 🍌📏 (@scale_banana) September 5, 2020

END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

CHEERS to notable promotions. On September 18 within the 12 months 335, Dalmatius was raised to the rank of Caesar by his uncle Constantine I. Historians consider Constantine had a nasty case of the flu on the time.  When requested out of concern what his temperature was, he responded: “101, Dalmatius.”

CHEERS to right this moment’s version of Oops I Tripped and Dropped This Graph Displaying How President Obama Was Beloved In Western Europe And No matter You Do Do not Inform Child Trump Or He’ll Freak Out… 

 This has been right this moment’s version of Oops I Tripped and Dropped This Graph Displaying How President Obama Was Beloved In Western Europe And No matter You Do Do not Inform Child Trump Or He’ll Freak Out.

CHEERS to dwelling vegetation. Fast roundup of TV-type stuffs on the weekend platter-o-plenty. Tonight begins with the unpacking of the Friday information dumps on MSNBC with Chris, Rachel, and Lawrence, whereas Bob Woodward releases extra from the Trump Tapes on PBS’s Washington Week. Then on HBO’s Actual Time (10PM), libertarian snowflake Invoice Maher talks with Jane Fonda, Michael Cohen, political director of Republican Voters Towards Trump Tim Miller, and Trae Crowder aka “The Liberal Redneck.”

Sunday night time.

The most well-liked dwelling movies, new and outdated, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NFL schedule is here. The NBA schedule is here and the WNBA schedule is here, whereas the Stanley Cup remaining schedule is here and the baseball lineup is here. Or, should you’re into swingers, you’ll be able to watch the U.S. Open golf tourney from the Treasure Island Putt-Putt course in Mamaroneck, New York on NBC.

Sunday on the season premiere of 60 Minutes: Voting by mail in Pennsylvania, a profile of former Trump nationwide safety adviser H.R. McMaster, and LSU head soccer coach Ed Orgeron. Then at 8ET on ABC, Jimmy Kimmel hosts The Emmy Awards. I could also be going out on a limb right here, however all my cash’s on The Huntley-Brinkley Report, The Banana Splits (together with Hazard Island), Cop Rock, and Mannix. If I win ‘em all, I can retire for all times.

Now this is your Sunday morning lineup:

Meet the Press: Bob Woodward; Governor Phil Murphy (D-NJ); HHS f*ckup Alex Azar.

Additionally Sunday: the ghost of President Polk discusses correct mullet administration throughout a pandemic.

This Week: Home Speaker Nancy Pelosi; Assistant HHS secretary Admiral Brett Giroir.

Face the Nation: Former Facilities for Medicare & Medicaid Providers Administrator Andy Slavitt; LabCorp CEO Adam Schechter; Obama’s Homeland Safety director Jeh Johnson; Nationwide Safety Adviser Robert O’Brien outlines his seven-step plan for not doing a goddam factor about nationwide safety. 

CNN’s State of the UnionGov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-MI); Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY); Jon Stewart; Rosie Torres of Burnpits360; Assistant HHS secretary Admiral Brett Giroir.

Fox GOPTalking Factors Sunday: Former CDC director Tom Frieden; Invoice Gates; Mike Pence’s chief of employees Marc Brief.

 Completely satisfied viewing!

Ten years in the past in C&J: September 18, 2010

CHEERS to snappy solutions to critical questions. I appear to recollect, lo ‘spherical 5 months in the past, when America discovered itself with a little bit oil gusher drawback—Deepwater Horizon—down south. The president even relayed a narrative of how daughter Malia would ask him each morning whereas he was shaving, “Did you plug the opening but, Daddy?”  Properly, as of this weekend, the reply will likely be an emphatic ”Yupper, kiddo.”

Crews began pumping cement Friday deep below the seafloor to completely plug BP’s blown-out effectively within the Gulf of Mexico.  A BP spokesman stated there now not was a necessity to make use of mud in tandem with the cement as a result of stress from the effectively wasn’t a problem.  BP expects the effectively to be fully sealed on Saturday.

Then the actual work begins: holding the toes of the skilled responsibility-dodgers at BP to the fireplace in order that they stick round till “every drop of oil has been recovered” they usually—their phrases, from right this moment’s full-page advert in USA At present—”make this proper.”  Memo to Malia: maintain buggin’ your dad.

And only one extra…

CHEERS to The Swashbucklin’ Nineteenth. Avast me hearties and suchlike. It is me, Captain Billybeard, fear-instiller of the deep blue kiddie pool. For thems who do not is aware of, tomorrow is the blow-me-downest day of the 12 months: International Talk Like A Pirate Day. And arrrmanner we go…

Midwestern heartland voter: “Trump’s commerce conflict is crushin’ the individuals who make our carrrs!

American employee: “Because of these grasping bastards on Wall Road, I’ll by no means get to retarrr!

Winston Churchill: “Allow us to subsequently brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves, that if the British Empire and its Commonwealth final for a thousand years, males will nonetheless say, ‘This was their best arrr!’

It’s tomorrow. You have been warned. (And one other factor? It’s “Arrr,” not “Arrrgh.”)

Every day Kos blogger: ”My favourite front-pager is the Morrill lass named Barrrrb.”

Every day Kos blogger with opposing view: “My favourite front-pager is the Joan they name McCarrrter.”

Decide, someday in 2021: “I sentence ye, Donald J. Trump, to twenty years behind barrrrs.”

Buzz Aldrin: “To Marrrs!

Individuals to Inside Secretary David Bernhardt: “Cease shrinkin’ our parrrks.

Pink-hatted Finish Occasions fanatic: “Put together ye for Arrrrmageddon.”

Driving teacher: “Put the carrrr in Parrrrk.”

Theatre Critic: “Don’t miss the revival of Streetcarrr Named Desarrr!

Democratic strategist: “That Buttigieg lad is a rising starrr.”

Postal abbreviation of Invoice Clinton’s dwelling state: AR

Trump’s authorized crew: “Prepared! Farrr! Intention!”

Thanks for studying.  You have been a swarrrthy arrdience.

Have an important weekend. Flooring’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about right this moment?